Szzzzzuuuuuuuuflop.

Here it is again... has happened before and will happen again.

What do I do...  I belong medicated.

God damn.

1.  I can't think straight.

2.  I've dropped my meds to 50% of the previous dosage (per doctor).  This was 4 weeks ago.. I was ok for a bit.

3.  Previously, the doc has explained that the meds make you feel better... but it would take getting used to.

Example A:

Good!
-               ......
Normal  ...:      :.......        .......
-                             :.....:
Bad
####          Time --------------->

Example B:

Good!   ....       .....      .........
-              :.....:     :....:
Normal 
-          .....      .....         ......
Bad           :....:     :.......:
####          Time --------------->

As (if) you can see, Example A shows a 'normal' progression of emotion.  Normal to better, better to normal, normal to not so good, then back to normal.  This can be an average day for most people.

Now, Example B shows what I feel when not medicated.  As (if) you can see, there are two things happening at all times.  Good as well as not so good to Better to Bad, etc.  In a nutshell, I am suspecting I have an unstable conscious that cycles through various states...

I beleive the only way for me to function is to accept these varied states and to assume the identity of the total sum of states...  Accept all those within and not splinter off into insanity.  I'll probably hit the mental doc up sometime and bounce these ideas...

Must stay optimistic.

There is a specific morning.  One that gives you a specific feeling.  Almost indescribable, but i'll try anyway....

you stayed up too late, couldn't sleep, so you watched a movie, something that made you feel.  It's over, you're not really tired, the blue light begins to break through.  It's silent, no one is around.  It feels, surreal.

you stayed up too late, with the person you care about, time flew by without you even noticing.  A night of love and emotional bliss.  As you lay with her, naked under the sheets, the blue light begins to break through... it's so surreal.

you stayed up too late, at the hospital, someone important to you was taken in.  Still waiting for the doctor to walk through the double-doors, you're tired, sore, so you step outside.  No one is around, no sound at all.  Beyond the mountains, the blue light begins to break...